and just randomly, myself&my sister
myself&my sister again
S&I
Myself&S
You are beautiful. Yes, that IS what my banner says.. this week.. Do I believe it? Right now, not so much. I’ve been back and forth on this phrase.. It’s safe to say, that between the ages of 13-16 I definetly did not feel the slightest bit of beauty in myself (hence the ED). And it’s also safe to say, that, THIS year however, I’ve been able to distinguish what Ilove about myself, I feel truly felt was worth while, can you believe that I was actually able to enumerate reasons to be proud of myself?
Where has it gone? I’m being sucked right back in to my world. The fact that I don’t mind, even in the least, prooves that it’s happening. The lying has already begun.. Not only to myself, but to my aunt, who has done everything she possibly could to make me feel loved.. beautiful.. The deceiving will follow soon enough.. When she realizes what’s happening (yet again), when my girlfriend realizes that as SHE’S going INTO her recovery, I’m brutaly falling out of it, when she’ll feel as if my ED is more important as she is.. Which is pure torture to feel like that btw, I’ve felt it with her. Although it is NOT, one can’t help to feel that way.
But, my decision was made. It IS made. And ever since I’ve made this decision, to completely off-road recovery, I have to admit, I have been feeling like letting everything else go.. I picture myself a few weeks from now going to school&going to work&smiling simply because this is what I”ll HAVE to do in order to feel any bit successful with myself. Not then will I want to, nor will it have any importance next to my E.D.. But, for some reason, it will matter enough for me to keep at it, in a matter that isin’t really keeping at it at all, now, is it?
Enough about the ED for a second.. My girlfriend is coming down in early October (&oh, am I EVER exited!) We havn’t seen each other in quite a while&since our long distance bills went up, it’s been hard to hear each others voices also. I must admit, I AM proud of us. To have our 1year anniversary coming up in a few weeks, after dealing with EDs on both our parts, AND long distance relationship, and still be just as in love as we always were.. This is it. THIS is love. To be able to love someone spiritualy as you can’t have them with you physicaly. To be able to stop your life and meet them halfway. To be able to feel them with you all day long, as if they’re actually there, body and soul. I love her. Incredibly. I gave her a ring, I’m not sure if I blogged about this yet, but yes, this summer I gave her a ring. &I have my reasons to suspect that when she’s coming down, on our 1year, she will be giving me one also. THIS is the girl I will be spending the rest of my life with, however long or short it is. It’s her.
I also believe I’ve never posted a picture of us? Therefor, instead of the usual random pictures I put up in my posts, this time, it’ll be one (or a few) of my and my babe.
But, I really should get going.. I’ve got a heap load of homework to do..And my Yoga also, I’ve got to find energy for that.
xoxo
Amandah
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